I do not think I am happy, at least I do not feel like I am. I could be wrong, though. After all, I never take an inventory of how I feel in any given day. I am too caught up in the process of living—I have to eat, get dressed, sleep, get up early to avoid traffic jams, work, and have some time to myself reading books and listening to good classical music. Maybe happiness is not supposed to be something grand, like how people make it out to be. Perhaps it is just something that makes you feel content with life, even if it is only for a second or two. But then I ask myself, is that it?
He didn’t quite understand the world he lived in. He thought it was a terrible place and as a human, it was like living in a dark dream for many years. There was only a certain time during the day where he felt like he wasn’t suffocating and that was when he was reading books, all kinds of books. He found comfort and happiness in between hundreds of inked pages, and more often than not, he imagined himself as the main character in each story he read. He thought it was a mistake to be born a human. He had rather much preferred to exist as characters in books or exist as an inanimate object—something that doesn’t have a clue in the world, something that doesn’t have a mind. Every time something unfortunate happened to him, he would recall the time his friend said to him: “People are born with something at the core of their existence.” He didn’t quite understand what his friend meant and he wished many times that she was alive to explain it more elaborately. She passed away all too suddenly and when she was no longer a part of the world, he wished she took him with her. When he thought about her, he would feel a stab of loneliness starting at the center of his chest. He had no idea know what to do with it, but allow it to spread through his entire body. For a time, he believed loneliness was the backdrop of his existence. However, the more his life was falling apart, he began to believe loneliness was just in disguise as bitterness, and what was truly flowing through his veins was tragedy.
Occasionally, or rather very occasionally, let’s say at around this time of the day, I feel panic-stricken and drowned in this awful emotion—loneliness, I swear it could probably kill me one day. I do not know what it is. I surround myself with people every day and I enjoy being with them, but somehow my effort to remain calm and normal fades. I think what I need now from someone is, “I need to see you” or “Hey, can we talk for a bit, or for while?” That sounds pleasant. That sounds like a temporary cure. Maybe it is my fault I am like this. I let go of people too easily.
Some people have bad mornings. Some people are sick of the slow years. Some people are just too angry, too sad, too bored, or completely and utterly exhausted with the world and everything in it— you and I laughed at the idea, but I think deep inside, we were praying for an end.
I have always thought of happiness as a sort of side-effect, or something that does not come naturally. I do not believe it to be something that can flow easily in a person’s veins with no effort like blood. I am not a naturally happy person, so I do not have to pretend. I wallow in my sadness, but at some point during the day, I accept sadness as a part of life. I am not sure if this is the right thing to do, but I will not aim for happiness anymore. I will just work on changing the way I see things.
Jika Aku Mati Sekarang :
Pada usia hidupku sekarang ini, dengan perjalanan kehidupan seperti ini, aku mulai berani berpikir realitis tentang kematian. Bagi sebagian orang kematian merupakan hal yang mengerikan dan pantang untuk dibicarakan. Tapi bukankah setiap orang akan mengalaminya? Mengapa harus takut dan menghindar? Bukankah datangnya sebuah kematian seperti datangnya pencuri di malam hari yang tak dapat diduga? Kapan tepatnya kita dipanggil Yang Maha Kuasa tak ada yang dapat meramalkan dengan tepat. Tapi semua akan mendapat gilirannya.
Aku sepertinya sudah cukup kenyang dan merasa bosan dengan misteri kehidupan yang aku alami. Jika harus dipisahkan mengapa dulu aku dipertemukan bahkan dipersatukan kemudian mengenal cinta? Betapa kejamnya perpisahan untuk selama-lamanya. Aku sulit untuk menemukan jawabannya…..
Someone just asked me if I am happy and without thinking, I said “I should be.” Normally, I would say, “Not yet”. I do not devote my time to take an inventory of how I feel every day because it is superfluous, especially if you are the kind of person who has frequent mood changes. I think I answered the question truthfully, though. I have a house over my head. I can put food on the table. I can watch television and use the internet for hours on end. Maybe happiness does not depend on what you can do or what you cannot do, or what you have and do not have. In another sense, happiness is simply a frame of mind. Even though I have to get rid of the rubble in my head, I also have to cherish every moment that I am happy because I know they will pass soon.
Yesterday morning, I experienced something new and beyond what I had imagined going through. It was not in the least bit exciting. It was more frightening and I felt really terrible inside. However, now that it is all over, I suddenly feel good and relieved.
"It is all in the past now", is what I should keep telling myself from here on. I feel like this is the first time I can breathe. Usually people feel happy when they receive a gift or when they are with friends and family. As for me, I am happy that I am still alive and that God is watching over me. This is also a first to feel this way.
For the moment, I am really happy and grateful.
I will wrap up my bones, And leave them out of this lonely place, ‘Cause I do not stand a chance In these four walls. Two feet standing close, Looking down at the world— Everything looks blurry, And so small. Take me away, Take me, Just take me and let me fade. I do not want any tomorrows. So please, Let me go.
I wonder what people think when they look at me. I look normal on the outside—clean and tidy hair, nice clothes, and a childish-looking face. Nothing about me stands out. If people could tell that, I contemplate suicide every once in a while, I would be in trouble. I do not want to die just because my life is slowly falling apart. I think people wish to die because they are either incredibly happy or incredibly sad—that sounds funny to you, right? Well, I wish to die in my happiest because I cannot bear to think for another second that my life could get any better or could get any worse.